Balanced Relationships

Marital relationships thrive when good companionship is present. For a man this can look like a safe and peaceful harbor found in their partner when work or finances has them tossing about on a stormy sea. Men also thrive and feel appreciated when their choices are supported by their partner. Having said this, that does not mean that the choices cannot be discussed if your partner has some concerns with the choice. A marital relationship is very much like a garden in many respects, as both need careful and wise tending, watering, weeding and harvesting to make them productive. If done well and with a generous investment of time, effort and energy, your relationship will blossom into a durable friendship with your partner. This will have you both willing to spend ample quality time with one another.

After all if you treasure one another your heart will be totally devoted to your pursuit to treasure your partner. Let’s face it, whether you are a man or a woman, you know when your partner treasures you. You can see it in their eyes, hear it in their tone of voice, you feel it in their touch and you sense it in their very presence.

When you treasure your partner with your time, attention and presence, they know that you hold them in high esteem and value them. By doing this you give them the opportunity to show them you understand why their feelings, life experiences, passions and well-being matter to you. Above all else you create an atmosphere of trust and love that tells them the way you feel about them is non-negotiable.

Over the years of meeting your partners need for physical, emotional and even spiritual connections, you will need some flexibility, patients and understanding.  Being able to get away and spend time together is not always feasible. Spending time together is hard when there is increasing demands from work, an illness or active military duty. Knowing this and accepting this are two different things.
This is where your supplementary or creative strategies for bonding would come into play, such as the surprise dinner alone at home, or the romantic evening of hot bath and massage, or sometimes just sitting silently side by side.

In the long run all of these things put together produce a lasting, fruitful relationship for both of you and if you have them, your children. Loving partners and parents enjoy longer fuller lives.

In this busy world we live in, it can be easy to have the lines blurred between being a couple and being parents. Most couples want to be a good lovers to one another as well as good parents to their kids. With the hectic schedules of today’s work and our struggle to just survive another day, many find it hard or impossible to be both a good lover and a good parent. This creates the vs. scenario—a good lover or a good parent. Many divorces come from the decision, either conscious or unconscious, to be devoted to one choice over the other: lover, or parent. Total devotion to one or the other can spell disaster for the children, causing the beginning of the end to a relationship.

I believe that our children are our legacy. How we raise them and the people they become is a very heavy responsibility. After all the up and comming generation will be the ones looking after us as we become the aged.

Having a child centered home is a good thing, as long as you remember a few simple things that will let your other half know that you still love them and need them. Simple things such as playing with your partner (first date recreation, reservations to a favorite restaurant), remember how you where when you where dating and relive some of the fun. Laugh at life once and a while, its not so serious that you have to be miserable and intent on squeezing every ounce of success into, or out of your budget. Besides laughter is great for relieving stress and releasing feel good hormones into your body, which helps with dealing with life and all the curves and ruts in the road along the way. Remember, nothing says you care more than touch. Stop and give your partner a 5-10 second kiss, and while you are doing that think of something you love about them, when the kiss is over tell them why  you love them, ie; you are so supportive, or you are so strong. Something as simple as a squeeze on the shoulder when your partner is working hard at a task, or giving a 3-5 min massage when they are taking a break, will speak volumes of your love for them. Holding hands when walking, or watching a movie, is another great way to say I love you. One of the best thing you can do for your children is let them see that their parents are in love.

These things are easy to say but difficult to put into practice. When we find the balance between being a good lover and a good parent, we will reep the reward later as our children become parents and lovers, and perhaps one day they may even become our caregivers. Raising a generation to be loving and fullfilled individuals/couples, only enriches our legacy, so that all will benefit.

Family Ties

The single most important relationship you will ever experience is your family. How you develop relationships within your family has long reaching effects on all future relationships. The relationship you develop with your mother and father, will ofter dictate how you raise your children and how you will treat your own spouse.

Family relationships are more often than not two way examples. For instance how your parents treat you reflects how you will treat others. Also how your parents treat their parents as they age, also sets the bar for you and sets a good example of how your parents expect to be treated.

However not all family relationships are positive and affirming. For those that have not had positive family relationships it is your choice of how you will treat others around you. You can chose to continue the negative cycle, or you can chose to make a change and start building positive relationships with those around you.

Pet Love

Few relationships are as fulfilling as the one with your pet. When the pet dies the bereavement period can last as long for some as if a human friend had died. Pet love is one of the most unique of relationships that us humans engage in. Having lost a few dearly loved pets myself I can testify that the bond is strong and the lost is deeply felt.

Marriage

Many studies have concluded that there are many positive health benefits to a happy healthy marriage. Many couples involved in a harmonious positive relationship will exhibit normal increase and decreases in their blood pressure. This in turn creates a healthier heart and balanced metabolism which results in a whole healthy person. Having a committed partner can also reduce emotional stress, ulcerative colitis, and heart failure.

Having said that, it appears that marriage has definate health benifits,  I caussion you that rushing to the alter can result in an unhappy marriage. This could prove to be even worse for you in the long run, and frought with numerious emotional and health issues.

Studies appears to show that even those with a large social circle and friends to support them, it does not take the place of the uniquely influential relationship of a spouse.

Friends

I think it is safe to say that the bond of friendship you create with others close to you in your adulthood, rivals even those with family. I say this as friendship is the base for many movies, novels, video games, and frequently causes greeting card sales to soar. Other forms of social media such as twitter and face book shows the need for social interaction and friendship is seen as a high priority to most of us. Having friends impacts us not only emotionally but physically as well.

Having friends and having them encourage you to partake in social events like Church functions, local raffles, and community events can offset most of the negative health issues, that people have surrounding a poor perception of their social supports.

Obtaining and maintaning a good support group of friends and family relationships can extend your life span by about five years. This is preferable to those that live as reclusives and die sooner due to being deprived of these very important relationships that we all need.

So go and meet someone new today and create a  healthier and happier life for both of you.

Love and Jealousy, Relationship Emotions

Love is a very powerful emotion that can sometimes cause us to do some pretty crazy things. Having said that love is more often then not a very positive emotion that makes us feel good. The flipside to this is that there can be negative emotions involved as well. One of the most powerful of these is jealousy.

Jealousy

Jealousy is an extreamly strong and overwhelming feeling, for both the one feeling it and the partner experiencing the effects of a jealous partner. This emotion called jealousy is not restricted to one particular gender or race, but is universal and the end result is usually destructive and painful for all involved.

Jealousy very plainly put is fear. Fear of being displaced by a rival, which can drive a person, (male or female) to exhibit some inappropriate behaviours. Whatever the reason, real or imagined the outcome is never pleasing, for either partner or family members entangled in the situation.

Most people are able to control these feelings and talk about them with their partner. I encourage this kind of communication as it can go a long way to eleveate and even put to rest these feelings.  For others these feelings are impossible to control and drive that person to commite severe act, like the crimes of passion we read about in the papers or see on the news.

Warning Signs

Some of the following are classic signs of jealousy and should be addressed in a loving but confident manor. If these issues can not be reconsiled then absolving the relationship is your best defence to keep yourself and others around you safe.

1-accusations of infidelity (occational of frequent)

2-searching of personal belongings

3-controling your wardrobe

4-monitoring of emails, bills, bank accounts and wanting the time away from them accounted for, or frequent calls to their partner when they are seperated

5-threats of physical harm to self or to partner

If any of the first four are experienced you should try to discuss your concerns in a loving manor and suggest councelling for you both. If you are experiencing the last and most intense sign of jealousy then you should remove yourself and anyone you care for from the situation and request help from the proper authorities to insure your safety.

Putting Jealousy to Rest

Understand its origin. Does it originate in reality (your partners behaviors) or in your own insecurities?

If your partner is behaving in a manor that provokes you to jealousy then you need to have a discussion over a cup of coco. Address the behavior and the feelings it awakens in you and why. Allow your partner to express their actions and then try to reach an arrangement that will forstall future incidents ie; a catch word.

Something that we frequently misunderstand is that in many cases jealousy drives away the one you love. Through actions or words jealousy can eventually destroy a relationship. If you are intent on keeping the one you love close to you and in your heart, and want the same response from them then councelling is the way to achieve this result. If you do choose councelling then you are showing your partner you are committed to working on a lasting relationship with them. Having said this do not expect that only a few sessions will suffice, and that you now have the victory over jealousy.

Fears and Relationships

A relationship between a couple that has its root in fear, is frustrating for both partners. Fear of intimacy, abandonment and change, are the most common struggles couples face. I hope that I will be able to help you identify these fears and deal with them in a loving manner.

Cowering from Intimacy

From childhood on through to adults, we all fear losing our individuality, this is inborn in us. In some this fear can be exacerbated by a trauma, or a momentary fright that was experienced in the past.

It is important to realize that we all lose some of ourselves within a relationship. We absorb some of our partner’s viewpoints, beliefs and values. This is natural. However, when we lose the majority of our views, beliefs and values, this is considered engulfment, which creates intense feelings of being trapped or suffocated. Most people that find themselves in this situation usually respond by fighting.  They will attempt to discard all beliefs, or refuse any new beliefs. Flight, (literally running away from the relationship), may be their choice if their fight response fails. Both of these responses can ultimately destroy a relationship if not recognized for what they are and dealt with in a loving and supportive manner.

If you can identify the signs of fear of intimacy within yourself, or your partner, then you will be on a more solid foundation, with greater options to deal with the situation. Accepting the previously mentioned issues, as a common concern that can affect both individuals involved, may help you to achieve a more effective solution.

Cringing at Change

Changes, even if they are good within a relationship, can be difficult to deal with. When familiar things are changed our comfort zone does a flip flop, creating feelings of anxiety, as we are unsure how to adjust to the new routine.

People deal with change in many different ways, from stuffing their feelings to fighting. I don’t promote fighting, but that would be preferable to stuffing or repressing your feelings. Talking openly and honestly about your concerns, or your feelings regarding these changes, will reaffirm that the changes are affecting both partners. Discussing these issues will help you to blend these changes into your life with less stress, thus increasing the chances of a smooth transition to the new routine.

Abandonment and Rejection

The thought of being alone for many can cause us to panic. We all have a primal instinct that says we should not be alone. Everyone, even the very healthy, have moments of fear regarding abandonment. We can feel abandoned or rejected due to death, illness, or separation, (physical or emotional). Even though we can survive feelings of abandonment and rejection, the emotional pain is exacting and many will go to great lengths to avoid such circumstances.

Setting personal goals for yourself with regard to healing unmet needs and unhealed hurts, will help you become emotionally healthy and independent. This will assist you in dealing with the challenges of life.

Flirting

Flirting whether in private or in public is done by both sexes, but each has their own style. When in public women tend to be subtle, giving clues that you men need to pay close attention too, or you will miss it. If you miss that cue, she will probably take that as an ‘I’m not interested’ and just move on to someone else. Women, note that men are not used to you taking the initiative, so give them some room to figure out that you are flirting with them. Here are some cues for you men; things like repeat contact, such as verbal, physical, or eye to eye, will let you know that she is interested in your undivided attention. Ladies, once you have his attention, whisper something flattering in his ear. Also ladies, don’t go and sit with other women; the guy you were just with will view this as public rejection. However, if you have come with a friend then let your gentleman friend know this, even point her out for him, so if you want to talk to her he will not feel rejected.

Both men and women need to be polite and respectful of the opposite gender in this arena of flirting. Women you need to keep in mind if you are rude and refuse a guy with laughter, or a disparaging remark, that the other men are watching. Men the scene is the same for you. The other women are watching and if you are rude or if you make sexually inappropriate comments, the other women are less likely to want to spend any time with you.

Married or dating couples should routinely practice flirting with one another in private (home setting), and in public. This is healthy for your relationship and will help to maintain a healthy intimacy. Whether you have been married or dating for a short time or a long time is irrelevant, you should never stop flirting with one another. Flirting serves several purposes from just simple teasing, to serious intent. And let’s face it, its fun. Both of these forms of flirting let your partner know that at that moment you are thinking of them, you love them and want them with you. Besides flirting often leads to something you will both find pleasurable.

War or Peace

The issue of mixed religious relationship is a very sensitive area. My intent is not to offend or seem to pick on any one belief in particular. My desire is to include as many different points of view as possible. I hope that in reading this you will find some answers to your questions and solutions to your situation.

All throughout history wars have been waged for many different reasons. When the result of this war is the extermination of a particular race of people, because of their beliefs, this is truly tragic. This is made all the more tragic when this prejudice effects how we view one another in today’s society.

Many people identify themselves by their beliefs, such as ‘I’m Christian’, ‘I’m Muslim’, rather than stating their profession, such as “I’m a Glassier”, or “I’m a Baker”. Everyone has their own opinion on how we all got here, from creation to evolution and everything in between. All these varying perspectives make our world unique. However, religion has the potential to seriously hurt or end a relationship.

With religion being such a boiling pot of raw emotions, arguments are frequently just below the surface. Conflicts arise when a boyfriend or girlfriend tries to share their belief with their partner, or with their partner’s family.

With the potential of explosive results these relationship seem quite overwhelming for most and forbidden in others. There are ways to deal with your religious differences that can lead to a lasting relationship. Respectfully discuss the differences from a clinical point of view, not from the stand point that your expectations have to be accepted as right. Then share what these viewpoints mean to you and how you feel they affect your personal values. Include what support you do or don’t want to have happen in the relationship, because of these beliefs. Having an understanding of what the other person deems as important goes a long way towards creating feelings of comfort and acceptance.

As difficult as it may be, if an understanding cannot be reached you may have to consider ending the relationship. If you do not, you will be unevenly yoked, with not only your partner, but with his or her family. This is not a comfortable place for anyone to be. Some people have chosen to leave there family behind in favor of a relationship. However, for most individuals this is not a fair expectation for one partner to place on the other. This is not to say that a relationship between two different religions cannot work, there is a possibility that you may have a long and fruitful life together. Discussing these very sensitive areas in a respectful manner, will enable you to decide whether the relationship will succeed with longevity in mind. 

In the long run its better to know if you cannot make the relationship work before it’s too late, so the two of you are the only ones getting their hearts broken.

Part 3

Money

Money is a major stressor in any relationship, from simple friendships, to couples. Money often causes a breakdown in relationships. Being honest in regards to your financial situation is essential. Never hide or conceal your income or debt. Adjusting your life style to accommodate a change in income is realistic and reduces the stress debt brings. With money being such a tender issue, do not discuss this concern when you are raw with emotion. Wait for a time that is non-threatening, so the problem can be dealt with in a calm and respectful manor, for both parties involved. Don’t play the blaming game. This will only create bitterness and give root to hate, ultimately destroying your relationship. Working together to create a viable budget, which includes the payment of monthly bills and a savings plan, creates feelings of financial security, thus reducing stress. Setting aside some money to be spent by both parties insures the feeling of independence, which is also important.

Determining long-term and short-term goals is essential to navigating a life together. Remember, you may be one flesh in this adventure called life, but you are also an individual. It is perfectly natural to want to set individual short-term and long-term goals. Make the effort to ensure that these individual goals are complimentary to your relationship goals together.

Another area that can create high stress is the planning and caring for your aging parents. This is not a fun topic, but it is necessary to discuss and have a functional plan to care for their needs and financial well being. Remember your children are watching and learning. The care and consideration that you show your aged parents will be given to you by your children. Your children are your legacy so teach them well the lessons of life. 

Part 2

Sex 

Sex can be a very touchy topic, but the fact remains that between romantic couples sex is important. Sex along with communication is the glue that holds a relationship together. Intimate physical contact is a necessity in any couples relationship. Without this aspect of a relationship, the couple may find they are soon encountering difficulties. Sexual contact serves several purposes; the release of hormones during intimate contact, which helps our bodies to be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. The bonus of such intimacy creates a stronger bond between couples. Sex and communication helps a healthy couple stay healthy and let’s face it, not only is intimate contact pleasant, but it is great for relieving stress.

Planning or making an appointment time for sex may be what is needed if you both have very busy schedules. Scheduling an intimate encounter at night when you are both home may not always be the best time, as one or both may feel pounded flat after work or a difficult day. Scheduling is good, but remember there is nothing wrong with being spontaneous. A day off from work for both parties is a prime time to fulfill that need for intimate contact, or even before starting your day.

Talking to your partner about what arouses you, is an excellent way to find out just what works for the both of you. A good suggestion is to create a list of what things you both find pleasurable. Then create another list of things that you each find stimulating that are not on the mutual list and swap the lists. These lists can then be used as surprises for one another like scenarios or themes.

There are times, when one or both partners have problems with sexual relationships that can be difficult to resolve within the confines of the relationship. This may be due to stress or trauma. When this occurs consulting a qualified therapist or counselor is recommended. This will help you both achieve your goal of a healthy relationship and an intimate and pleasurable sex life.

As this topic contains a large amount of information I will be presenting it in three parts. Part 1 will contain the issue of communication. Part 2 will discuss sex and will be posted on January 28/11. Part 3 will contain concerns and suggestions dealing with money and will be posted February 4/11.

Sooner or later every relationship encounters challenges. It’s rare that a couple will have a relationship that doesn’t hit a few snags along the road in their life together. So with this in mind, hopefully you will not be surprised when you encounter a few bumps and you will be better prepared to deal with the issues. It also helps to know, that there is nothing wrong with you or your relationship and that you are not the only ones who experienced this.

Before you start a relationship (long-term or live-in relationship), as a couple you should discuss certain topics like money, sex, and parenthood. This discussion will insure that there are no misunderstandings of what your partner thinks should, or should not be, concerning these life decisions.

Despite discussing these issues, every marriage experiences relationship stumbling blocks from time to time. Successful couples have learned to navigate them and keep their love life alive. Creative couples have achieved their goal of a full and long life together by respecting one another’s perspectives. These couples have hung in there through thick and thin, tackling problems as they arise. Together they maneuver through the maze of life as a married couple, with love and respect as their focus. Some individuals realize the challenges can be overwhelming. They search out a range of tools from self-help books, seminars, articles on the web, or counseling, to assist them to reach their mutual goals. This is an important step, because few relationships can succeed by simple trial and error.

Communication

I know that I keep harping on the communication issue, but the truth of the matter is that if you can’t communicate, you cannot have a lasting relationship. Period. Here are some simple strategies that can help in this area—Make time… if necessary actually make appointments with each other. Busy lives often require couples to schedule a time to spend with one other. So turn your cell on vibrate, put the kids to bed, or arrange for them to have a sleep over with grandma; and remember the answering machine can take a message. Whatever it is, it can wait.

If you find that you can’t talk without raising your voices then you have the option to seek counseling, finances depending. If not, then here are a couple of suggestions that could help; go to a public place like a library, park, or coffee shop, where if you raised your voice your behavior would be embarrassing to you. This may sound silly, but it works, because it puts you in the spotlight so to speak. A public setting can assist you in learning better communication skills and you may find that eventually you may not need the public setting to communicate.

Get some ground rules in place, like no interrupting until the other person is done speaking, no cursing, even in reference to a situation that was stressful, and avoid using statements such as “You always…” , “You never…” or “You make me feel…”.

A huge part of communication is listening, not just with your ears but with your body language as well. Remember to acknowledge a statement or affirmation of a feeling with a nod, hug, or gently squeezing their hand, so they know that you have heard them. Rephrase the statement or affirmation if necessary. If your rephrase is correct, then you will be confirmed and the other person will know that you are listening, or they will correct you. Either way, they will know that you are paying attention to what they are trying to express.